When Not to Affirm

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.”

Romans 12:9

It was around 14 years ago that I got a call from my cousin hours after he was released from the hospital after surviving a near-fatal drug overdose. Me and my cousin were as close as brothers, and we had grown up together sharing similar joys and dealing with many challenges. He faced greater challenges than I ever did, and one way he coped with the challenges he faced was turning to drugs. And while I also used drugs to escape, he went much further down that road until it nearly took his life. When he called me, desperate to escape from the clutches of this addiction, I offered to walk with him through recovery. It was not his first time pursuing sobriety, and there were difficult months to come. But through God’s grace, and support of the family of faith, he was freed from that slavery. But one thing I never did was affirm a lifestyle of drug-use. There are many times when we should not affirm, but rather confront.

This example from my life is one that most people would immediately agree is unhealthy and should be confronted, however there are many lifestyles in our broader culture that unfortunately Christians sometimes affirm when we ought to confront. The thrust of chapter 8 of Practicing Affirmation brings up this important dynamic. In fact the quote from Ogilvie in the opening lines explains this wonderfully,

“Affirmation of people does not have to mean advocacy for their wrongful lifestyle or behavior” (pg. 143).

Genuine Love: Holding Fast to Good

This is what is so powerful about the short verse from Romans 12 that opens this blog. In order for love to be genuine we must do two important things simultaneously, hate evil and hold onto what is good. This means we must and should encourage the good things we see in every person regardless of their lifestyle choices or their immoral behavior. In fact, the focus of this book we are reading–and this blog that is reflecting upon it–is to not overlook affirmation amidst Godly correction. 

So highlighting the good in others should be the first step when we engage with people. This can be hard for us, because we are all more quick to point out faults in others rather than affirm the good things we see in them as we have been learning. That is why chapter 9 of the book offers a long list of practical ways we can lean into encouragement and not hinder our relationships through constant correction. Many of these suggestions are great but number 76 basically summarizes all of them by pointing out that the foundation of all affirmation is first to notice a godly quality in another (caring for others, creativity, perseverance, etc.) and then verbalizing it to them. This requires us to be paying attention to the good we see in others, and then not remain silent about it but speak up! Overcome the awkwardness and just tell someone the positive thing you saw in them. 

Genuine Love: Abhorring Evil

But followed closely behind our encouragement must be a clear and loving criticism of the things that people are engaging in that are evil, sinful, or unwise. That is the loving thing to do. Even though our culture might want to avoid the hard conversations and instead just make people feel happy about all of their life choices, as followers of Christ we must have the boldness to call evil what it is… evil. 

So as we conclude our reading through this helpful book there are many wise lessons we may take from it. But one that resounds in these last chapters is founded on this simple verse from the book of Romans. If we are to genuinely love our neighbors, friends, family, church, and anyone else we come into contact with, we must affirm the good we see in them, while lovingly and graciously guiding them away from evil as we follow in the footsteps of Christ.