How Affirmation Refreshes Relationships

“Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.”

Romans 15:2

I discovered the power of affirmation while enduring my first year as a public school teacher. I had the great pleasure of teaching rowdy, pubescent 7th and 8th graders in a low-income area of Southern California, and it was nearly impossible to get through to many of my students. I taught three periods of remedial writing, which really meant that I was tasked with keeping order in a classroom filled with students who scored very low on tests–mostly because they had unstable homes, no educational support, and/or spoke English as a second language.

There are many students that come to mind from that time, but one young lady in particular faced serious difficulties. During the school year her older sister committed suicide and her parents divorced, so turmoil abounded in her life. She spent much of her class time trying to distract other students, and finding ways to avoid her assignments. So, as an inexperienced teacher, I spent most of my time trying to correct, corral, and criticize most of what she was doing in the class. I thought that was a good tactic to maintain order, but what I came to realize is that if I wanted her to make better choices I would have to use a different approach.

Self-Interested Affirmations

faced with this challenge, I decieded to subtly, and then more consistently, affirm whatever small steps of good behavior I could. Eventually, I began to publicly draw other student’s attention to the times when she had done something praiseworthy, and because she had influence over other students, that improved behavior began to spread to other students as well. The classroom was more orderly and students were able to learn better as I lowered the volume on the negative criticism and maximized the volume on the positive affirmations. 

In a sense I was manipulating the situation, and admonishing her, in order to help redirect her behavior. This might seem a bit coercive, but as Crabtree points out in this chapter, “...self-interest is not selfishness… if you seek to be rewarded by enriching someone, that is not selfish” (pg. 48). Admittedly, my main goal was to improve her behavior, but I was enriching this student at the same time, helping her to see the positive contributions she offered, however small they were. The result was that she was more refreshed, and my classroom was a much better environment.

Balancing Critique & Encouragement

In this second chapter of Practicing Affirmation, Crabtree offers a lot of practical guidance and some more foundational truths about the power of encouragement. One crucial insight I appreciated–and that I have seen first hand– is the importance of maintaining the proper ratio of affirmation and criticism. If we want to have healthy relationships that are fruitful, our interactions must be heavy on positive affirmation and light on critique and criticism. 

But balance is important here. If we only have affirmation with no correction, then we will end up in a very unhealthy situation where those we love are never challenged or don’t grow. But if we have far too much correction, then those we love will also not grow because they will dismiss even good criticism as mean-spirited, unloving, nagging. The truth is, we have to discipline ourselves to find creative ways to encourage people and do that often if we want to earn the ability to guide them toward better choices. 

This reminds me of what the Apostle Paul encouraged the Colossian church regarding their speech,

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:6). 

If we want people to learn about Christ, grow as people, and have healthy relationships with us, we have to both be gracious and be salty. We should heap up genuine and helpful encouragement upon people, so we can bring the preserving and flavourful corrections of God’s teachings to everyone we come into contact with.