How Affirmation Can Go Wrong
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
Proverbs 25:11I recently bought a box of riddles to ask my girls. One of the riddles asked, “What is something we all need, often share, love to give, but rarely receive?” the answer—advice! In the Christian life, and when it comes to affirmation, it may sound more like: “What is something we all need and want but rarely give to others? The answer: Affirmation! This book is intended to help us solve this riddle. In the sense that it isn’t just about finding the correct answer but taking the right actions after knowing the answer.
Problematic Assumptions
As we come to chapter 4-5 (4 being quite short), we must address some assumptions and mistakes. When it comes to making an argument, any good writer anticipates the objections the reader might be experiencing at various points of the argument. That’s what chapter 4 is doing, anticipating the objections by addressing some assumptions about affirmation. I will only comment on two of the five he assumptions he mentions that stuck out to me. After all, just as you can’t say everything in one book, you also can’t say it all in one blog.
First, we are dependent on the Spirit. When it comes to asking the question “how?” are we to affirm. The question is less on mechanics and more on motivation and power. How can we do something that goes against our flesh and nature as sinful humans? The answer is that we need the Spirit! Without the Spirit, most people won’t affirm—and if they do, it is usually followed up with something that undermines the affirmation. But with the Spirit, we do find those things in others that remind us of the God who has loved and served us, which results in us affirming who they are and what they’ve done. Assumption 1—We need the Spirit to affirm in a godly way.
Second, love affirms; it also corrects. The author is focusing on affirmation in this book. And rightly so, he anticipates the objection to affirmation in times of correction. And his point in the book is to say, “just because I am focusing on affirmation doesn’t mean I am saying that there is no moment for correction.” Far from being something that destroys correction, his argument is that genuine and specific affirmation actually amplifies the intent of correction when it comes, which is not to tear down, but to build up in a better direction.
Some Mistakes We Make When Affirming Others
In chapter 5, we move from assumptions to mistakes in Affirmation. And like so much in life, there are pitfalls to avoid even as we seek to do right by the Lord and one another. Like I did with the previous chapter, I will only mention the few that affected me most.
Mistake #1: Aiming for Greater Self-esteem.
The author points out that our culture is obsessed with building other’s self-esteem (which isn’t necessarily bad); however, without the right ends in mind, the means become destructive as we praise the shallow and superfluous. He remarks that such shallow praise has resulted in “a yawning response to the gospel.” By elevating one’s ego, they don’t feel any need for God.
I had a conversation with someone recently who admitted they struggle with making and maintaining deep relationships and friendships. Generally, this would be seen as a negative, something most would want to seek growth and change in. But this person wasn’t pursuing change, but stated it as an unchangeable feature of who they are and “how God made them,” thus, almost boasting in it. The church needs less of that thinking and more humble seekers of personal change through correct affirmation.
Mistake #2: Confusing Blessings with Affirmations.
All affirmations are a blessing. But not all blessings are affirmations. Providing for your family, giving a gift, helping out a friend, teaching a class, or putting someone on your health insurance policy is not to be confused with affirmation. Certainly, all those (and others like) it are blessings. But affirmations are words that intentionally highlight a person’s character or actions that are praiseworthy—in the sense that they highlight the character and actions for God.
This is probably what author Gary Chapman wanted to convey in his book The Five Love Languages. Acts of service, though a blessing and expression of love, doesn’t replace the need for some (if not all of us) to give and receive words of affirmation.
So while there are plenty of pitfalls and mistakes we might make in this important endeavor, let’s continue to affirm one another in the ways we see Christ’s character and works displayed in us so that our church can be built up in godliness and bring glory to God!
